Many parents are concerned that their children may be aggressive, worried that they sometimes display violent behavior, and often do not know what they can do in these cases.
The good news is that parents can do a lot in this regard, since the best way to avoid violence is to prevent it. And the best form of prevention is education.
Educating children is a duty and a beautiful, and sometimes hard, task
Educating goes beyond covering basic needs: it implies being consciously and actively present in the development and growth of children. Being there to also cover their emotional needs and striving to create strong and secure bonds with them, as this will give them a foundation of security that, in itself, will serve as a vaccine against some evils.
Protecting children is an obligation, however, we must avoid overprotection, which reduces autonomy and disables children, ultimately making their path more difficult. In general, do not do for them what they themselves are prepared to do.
For example, giving in to the temptation to avoid frustrations so that they do not suffer actually makes it difficult for them to learn to tolerate frustration and, therefore, makes them less able to face life.
We must teach children to manage their emotions well because, although all emotions are positive in the sense that they all fulfill a specific and necessary function, there are emotions that are not pleasant and with which we must also live. Therefore, knowing how to adequately manage great joy, deep sadness, or a situation of anger is equally necessary.
It is important to set rules and boundaries; we must not forget that saying NO also educates
It is also an obligation to our children to set rules and boundaries, as they help them grow more secure, knowing how far they can go, what we expect from them, and where the limit (never better said) of what is admissible lies. Because we must not forget that the no also educates.
Sometimes, it is difficult to set a limit and maintain it, because children rebel, are not satisfied, oppose, and it is easier to take a step back than to stand firm; but if we have set the limit thinking about their well-being, in what is best for him or her, we must strive to maintain it, also for their sake. In addition, we must know that children often seek limits, they force them, in the sense that they behave in such a way that their intention is precisely to lead the adult to set the limit.
I firmly believe that education is the best form of prevention and therefore we must pay attention to what we do, how we do it, and why we do it.
We are the greatest model or reference for our children; we educate them mainly by example.
Therefore, it is necessary that there be consistency between what we say and what we do. Because double messages confuse (shouting at my child not to shout, insulting him while I scold him because he has been disrespectful to someone, etc.) and because what one sees prevails over what one hears.
We must pay attention to how we do things: what relational style are you teaching them? When you are in the car and another driver plays a trick on you, how do you react? Are you more hostile than you thought or than you are willing to admit? Do not worry if your children do not always listen to you, because even so they generally observe you, this is what should worry you: if what they see is the same as what you preach. That is where you should focus, on what you do in your day to day, on how you behave.
Sometimes we are surprised by how our children behave, how they speak, that they use rude words, and yet we do not realize that in their day to day there are people who behave in that same way, use that same tone, and say the same rude things. Just as in adolescence we tend to think that they imitate their friends, they imitate us adults constantly.
Let us assume that children follow our example more than our advice.
Many times, due to lack of time or other reasons, we relegate conversations with our children. However, communication with them, from a young age, is fundamental. A real, deep, bidirectional communication, in which we are as willing to say as to listen, without judging, brings us much closer to our children.
When you are going to ask them something, make sure beforehand that you have time to listen to them, and when you definitely ask them, do not answer (something we do a lot) but listen to their answer. In this way, when they need us, when they have a bad time, when they get angry or suffer, they will be more likely to tell us. Talking to them often makes us know them better, know who they are, what interests them, what worries them, etc. And thus we will also have more ease to detect indicators or warning signs if things go wrong.
It is important to clarify the difference between aggression and violence
- Aggression is innate; it is an instinct that we have as animals that we are. It serves to be alert, defend ourselves, and adapt to the environment.
- Violence is a learned behavior and is intentional; it is the transformation of aggression to cause harm.
Violence should not have a place among children; however, there are girls and boys who show violent behavior from a very young age. In any case, in addition to attending to the victims of that violence, the aggressor must also be helped; they must be attended to. The sooner it is detected, the sooner it can be intervened to resolve it. Because, in addition, aggression is often a symptom of internal discomfort.
If despite everything our children are violent, we must do two things:
- set the limit making the impassable red lines clear to them,
- provide them with help so that they leave that violence behind.
Let us learn to educate, to instill values, to teach the capacity for resilience, to put emotional intelligence into practice to make a real emotional education.
Values such as effort and respect are fundamental to function properly in a society like ours.
Children must learn from a young age the importance of the other, of you. Knowing that they are not the center of the universe is important because it will help them to situate themselves in the world.
Related articles: Prevention of gender violence from education in children and adolescents
Sophie Álvarez-Vieitez
sophie.alvarezvieitez@ginso.org
Psychologist and deputy director of Recurra Prevención and Generación Convive in Asociación GINSO, which arises to give support and response to families in conflict with their adolescent children.
